My life as a Zoo

Recently I took a personality test and found out I am a bull. I think. It could have been an owl or tiger or goat. But I do think I was a bull with an affinity to sparrows? No, I am a bull, and my secondary personality was a cat. That’s not right either, but regardless. I am a bull, which makes sense considering all the times I have been accused of being bull headed in my life, and the many more times I have been accused of talking a lot of bullshit. Wait, I think there may be some truth to this.

My zodiac sign is Leo, and I was born in the Chinese year of the Tiger. My favorite baseball team growing up was the Cubs, and if you were to ask any ex girlfriend, I am also a baboon. Oh, and my spirit animal is a Yeti.

My life is a zoo.

I am the proud owner of a psychological zoo, and I am not quite sure what to think about all of this.  As a Leo, I am very showy, loud, loyal, and a whole other laundry list of traits some mystic came up with thousands of years ago. On the contrary, I am a baboon, which means I say the wrong things, compartmentalize, and basically am a maroon. How am I supposed to keep up with the dietary needs of all these animals? Do they like cake?

I am a bull. I like directness, process, and order. I am also a bird (of some sort) which means I don’t like structure, I need space and freedom, and I like to sing. It is all a mess and I am stuck in my lizard brain trying to figure out which one of my multiple animal personalities is supposed to work during certain projects with certain people and their animal.

Should my tiger come out when dealing with a fellow tiger? Or should I allow my Leo to take over and wait till a topic change and do a complete line change and then allow the giraffe and groundhog in me to enter the game?

This is not going to be easy.

Who makes these tests and why don’t we have a standard animal? Why do I have to be a dolphin on one test and an elephant on the other. Aren’t I the same person? Can’t we just have a meeting of the minds already and have one simple, standardized test, with only a hand full of animals? 

My brain spins. I am confused, but I am a lion, and we don’t get confused, we get even. But then the bat in me thinks we should just lay low until nighttime and then swoop in and save the day, but that damn llama is just telling me to chill out and just spit on people. 

How am I supposed to go through life like this, deciding which animal needs to face another person’s animal, all the while being aware if it’s a Tuesday, in a full moon phase, in the month of April? Is there an app for all of this? Can Siri just tell me to let the Beagle in me out this time, then shift to the Rhino when the conversation goes from food to politics?

Life is hard enough already, now I have to figure out a feeding schedule and potty break timeline for like 25 different personality animals. And apparently if I neglect one, it will manifest as some other animal, who then needs their needs met, and the whole process starts over again.

The only one happy with this whole thing is my inner child. He is loving having all these animals around.

So now I not only have an inner child who is in arrested development as a 12 year old because my parents wouldn’t let him have a gorilla, now my inner kid has a gorilla, that doesn’t want to play with the alligator personality trait I have, then is all the while still trying to eat the squirrel I apparently have living inside me who just wants to climb trees.

I’m glad they all agree on coffee as a food item.

I am not sure if I should take any more personality tests in fear of the other animals I may find out are living inside my head. I would like to think I am doing a wonderful job of keeping them all alive and myself in the process. I am basically Moses. But he even got a break after 40 days. 

The zoo is open for business and you all are invited to the show. I ask you to take a personality test before our next visit, so that I will have the appropriate animal ready to deal with your appropriate animal. But then we will need to figure out what day of the week is best for my cow and your flamingo to meet up. I’m sure you will understand why this is all important. 

My life is a zoo, and from what I can tell so far, all the animals are playing well together. They do what they do and are fully capable of handling the ever changing world I live in. I have learned to love my inner Leo, owl, sparrow, cat, rat, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

Now I just have to figure out how to deal with humans.