“Wherever I go, Whatever I do,
I wonder where I am in my relationship to YOU”
In your atmosphere – John Mayer
I don’t know if you will read this, but I hope you happen across it somehow. I know that you still keep tabs on me, but I really need you to see this. First off, I still love you and miss you dearly, even though there were times when we were together you didn’t see that side of me. I pushed you away, so many times I pushed you away, I push everyone away at times, but I was scared then, but now, I am feeling better about who I am, and how I felt about you then, and how I still feel about you today. The saying goes “when you know better you do better”, and I have spent what feels like a lifetime trying to know better, so that I can do better for you and for us.
I hope you see this. Maybe that is the reason I post all the time, that by chance or luck or magic, you see what I am doing and you are happy for me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have happy thoughts of the time we had together, it was special most of it, but not so special at other times. I think about us all the time, replaying certain scenes like a black and white movie, hoping that the ending will be different, but it never is, the plane still leaves and the boat still sails …away.
I’m doing good, I really am, and I hope you are doing good too. I think about the adventures we went on, the stories we told and the hugs we shared. They were great, and we were great, and then all of a sudden we weren’t. I remember the last time we talked, we were casual in our approach and tried to keep things light, but it wasn’t the same, it was full of sadness, even though we didn’t want to admit it, we just wanted to avoid it and create this artificial bubble of perfection, like the way we hoped our relationship should have been rather than the way it ended.
Sometimes the hard part is when I am sitting at the bar and I see others sitting around me, eating their dinner, laughing, talking about who knows what? Just living, just loving. I wonder what our talks would be like if we were able to reconnect one more time over coffee. Would we laugh about all the good times, or spend hours apologizing about the bad? I would like to think we could just sit, and be happy for each other, talk about where we are now and what’s going on. On one hand I would make that my one and only wish if the genie would grant me one, but on the other hand, I think the pain of saying good-bye for the second time would be just too great.
I hope you can see this. I need you to know that I am not the person I was when we were together, that I am better now, a more complete man, mainly in part because you influenced me to be better, but also because I just needed to grow up. I know you will always say that I was great in your eyes, but greatness is only great if you keep evolving and growing, and I have shed enough tears to water my own roots, tears that have helped me grow and be the person I always wanted to be for you.
Do you still think about things? I do. I think about the way we left things, so many topics left unsaid and so many memories left unmade. I feel like I am carrying around a love letter that you never wrote and that I will never be able to read, just sitting in an envelope, teasing me about the contents I will never see, at least in this life. But I am still happy about all of it, I wouldn’t have changed one single bit of our existence. The world is millions of years old and our time together is only a small speck on the timeline of the universe, but I will cherish that small grain of time forever, for it is mine and yours, and no one can take that from us. It is special because you are special and you made me feel special, and though we aren’t together anymore, the part of my heart and soul that only you occupy will live with me for all my days here on earth, and if the universe is what I hope it is, I will carry that part with me forever in the stars.
Are you happy? I imagine you are. I hope you are and I pray you are. I need you to be the happiest I have ever seen you because I need that smile on my face when I think of you. I need to know you are so happy that sometimes you don’t think of me, because you deserve that kind of life, that kind of love, that kind of peace.
I just need you to see this, by some crazy act of magic, I need you to just be curious and open it up and read it, and be happy for me. We had our moments when we had to tell each other we were sorry, and I will not say those words again to you, that part of the past and the pain is gone. I have written you a million times it seems, and never really did anything with those thoughts or words, but this time I decided I needed to actually do something about it, to put this letter out into the world in all its physical form, hoping that you will see it, and read it, and be happy with who we were. We really didn’t need to say sorry so many times, we knew how much love was there, but sometimes we hurt the ones we love, and the forgiveness we seek is from ourselves for those moments, because like us, you never really know how many moments you have with someone.
I hope this letter finds you, I hope so many great things, but more than anything, I hope you know that it was all real, it was truly all real, and I am so thankful for you and the person you helped me become.
May you rest in peace dad, forever in love, with YOU
(Writer’s note): I wrote this today in the early morning, with the anticipation of actually posting it on Tuesday the 28th (the anniversary date of my dad’s passing), but just like that morning, I received a phone call from my mom today informing me of another death (Kobe Bryant’s). I knew I wouldn’t sleep tonight because of the cosmic meloncholic irony of the situation, knowing how no one wants to receive “that” phone call, like the one I received long ago. So I decided to go ahead and publish this post, a post that may be two days too early, but nineteen years too late.