Worst Parent in the World

Most normal, loving, parents may spend countless hours awake in the middle of the night with tear soaked pillows, wondering if they are the worst parents in the world. These same caring and probably wonderful people will play out all the things they have done over the past several days and even months, picking apart the areas they should work on and the things they should have done differently. Also, these saints probably have read all the books by all the child experts about the sensitive in’s and out’s of raising a good and well adjusted child in this busy world of fast food and electronics. I admire and appreciate these people. I feel for them and their quest to gain the golden parent award and make the world a better place one kind thing after another.  The work and the effort these parents put into the raising of the next generation is beyond admirable, it is borderline godly. They will constantly ask themselves and their friends “Am I a good parent? Am I doing enough?”. 

“You are doing great!” One parent will tell the other parent, tears in each others eyes, “Parenting is hard, but you are doing a wonderful job.”  Each finishing off the bottle of whiskey they have in their hands. 

“What do you think Mark, are you a good parent?”, one of the people I know will ask me. I see the struggle they have with their own child and I see the stress they have about it. “Do you think you are doing a good job raising your son?” I hear this question a lot and I look at them as only another tired and worn out parent can, and simply answer.

Nope. Worst parent in the world. Pretty proud of it.

If they make patches for this, I want one. I want a bumper sticker too, and perhaps even a t-shirt. Also I want a huge ass yard sign that reads {HOME OF THE WORST PARENT IN THE WORLD}!! If bad parenting is an olympic event, I am Michael Phelps, the all time winner, and the legend. I want the whole world to see the honor bestowed upon me, and I want them to see the pride it gives me. I want a WWE Wrestling style belt that I hold over my head each time my kid tells me he hates me. I want to be at the grocery store and people come up to me and ask, “how do you do it, how do you become the worst parent in the world?” I probably should set up a table at the local book store and sign autographs. Hell, I have always wanted to write a book, so perhaps the universe is giving me a directive of what it should be about. I can see it now, the book cover will have the picture of a small child, a lovely looking child with tears on his or her face, with the caption, HOW TO BE A BAD PARENT, written underneath. By MARK BROWN, 6 TIME WINNER OF THE WORST PARENT OF THE YEAR AWARD! I’m at the point that if my child says something from the back seat,I simply look at myself in the rear view mirror and gives myself a little grin and thumbs up, like its some scene from The Office.

So I’m pretty sure you are wondering how I know I am the worst parent in the world? I mean, if you are a parent yourself, you probably think you are. You probably think that because you feel like a failure at times, and you just don’t feel like you are doing anything right, that you get the award that I obvious have earned. You think you deserve the title because you, yourself, have given it to yourself. Nope, not me. You want to really know how I have beaten out an entire planet of parents in the competition that no one of wants to be in?

My child told me I am the worst parent in the world. He according to him, he knows everything. So why should I even second guess him. 

Yes, my child, my offspring, is the smartest and wisest child in the entire world. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything. So if he says I am the worst, then who the hell am I do argue with genius. Go ahead, try him out next time you see the poor kid. 

“Hey, Jack, did you know that the sun is 93 million miles away from Earth?”  

“Yea, dad, everyone knows that”

“Hey Son, did you know that that we need to leave in 10 minutes?”

“I know dad”

He is so good, I don’t even have to finish sentences anymore to get the answer.

“Hey buddy, can you…”

“I got it dad, I know”

Oh, and the look of complete wisdom and confidence he projects on his face when answering the questions. I mean, this kid is the Michael Jordan of eye rolls, the GOAT!

I don’t know what I did in another lifetime to deserve the honor of raising the smartest kid in the world, but I got it. To be completely honest, I really don’t do anything for the poor kid, just ask him. No, not only is he the smartest child to ever walk the Earth, apparently he also has some sort of magical powers. It truly is amazing and mind blowing all in the same breath. For example. If he wants breakfast, it magically appears, seriously, out of nowhere. Craziest thing I have ever seen. And for some reason, I have a sink full of dirty dishes and pots that I end up having to clean up. The kid is Merlin.

So if the smartest kid in the world, who also happens to be a sorcerer tells me I am the worst parent in the world, then surely he knows that I am the WORST. PARENT. IN. THE. WORLD!!!

Now, most good parents would take this information and do something about it. Cry, enroll in parenting classes, seek the help of whoever that British lady was that had her own Nanny show. Not me. I figure I am winning this battle so far. My kid may think he knows everything, but the poor little guy doesn’t have quite the manipulative power as his old man. He may think he is winning this war, but we will wait and see. He doesn’t even know what war is. Two can play this little game little boy. I know how this world turns, and I am just going to let him spin on it for a bit longer.

There really is no pressure here at the bottom of the Parenting Totem Pole. When you are the worst parent in the world, there really is no where to go but up. But hey, what’s the rush, I get to sleep well at night and my anxiety is pretty non-existent. Do I worry about my kid getting into Harvard or becoming a successful business person? Nope, not a bit, we low life parents just hope we don’t meet the deductable this year due to all the medical expenses our child incurs from all the dangerous activities we allow them to do. 

Being the worst parent in the world is a wonderful place, and I am more than happy to be here. Every once in a while, when the stars align and the little boys eyes are heavy with sleep, as I carry him to his bed and lay him gently down and cover him up, I will get the words of the wisest kid in the world, “I love you, daddy”

“I know” I will quietly reply as I kiss his forehead. Bad parents know answers too. 

Sleep well little one, for tomorrow we battle again. You don’t get the title of Worst Parent in the World by not knowing how to step around a few little land mines.