An Idiot's Guide to the Apocalypse

We are in trying times people. Whether it is a virus, a zombie, werewolves, rabid squirrels, or just the people upset about the cancelling of Grey’s Anatomy…people are claiming the end of times is near. We must take precaution and do our best to prepare for this unprecedented occasion and I have compiled a small list of things you can do to insure your survival.

The first thing you should do is panic! Yes, panic. Run out into the streets, throw your hands up, and scream at the top of your lungs that the end is here. Then get in your car, truck, SUV, bicycle..whatever, and leave town. I mean now. Leave all your stuff behind and head to the hills. There you will find plenty to eat and drink, just like our Neanderthal forefathers. Go I said, don’t look back, quit reading this and just leave. Once you get to the high hills, await further instructions….GO!!!!

Wait for it.

Are they gone? Good.

The second thing you should do is not panic. Confused? Good, but don’t be. That was a trick you see. If you see someone out in the streets with their hands in the air and screaming, you will now know to avoid that person, they cannot be trusted. Also, if you see said person, you will also know they are not returning to their home, and you will now be able to go over to their house and steal what toilet paper and food they left behind instead of needing to go to the grocery store and fighting your fellow man.

Third. Coffee. You will need this. This truly may be the only and last defence against complete social breakdown. Not a coffee drinker? The Zombies will come after you first. Why is that? Probably because your brains are pure and will taste better. I really don’t know, but I can just assume a world without coffee is probably not worth living in, and people who drink it will all have a common bond, and fight better together for humanity and Starbucks.

Fourth. Wine. See the above reason, but insert wine for coffee, and liver for brain. Oh, and rabid squirrels and werewolves for zombies.

Fifth. Netflix. I used to have a love/hate relationship with Netflix. I actually got rid of the streaming service for like two months, until the social isolation began, then I slowly craved it like you crave Huey Lewis and the News. You can go a while without it, but sooner or later you need the power of that love, and when it gets hold of you, you’ll know just what to do..binge watch documentaries. Seriously, I think the global IQ will go up about 20 points simply because we will have watched so many documentaries. That or we will all have become expert crime detectives. One of the two. But whatever the case, we will come out smarter because of it.

Sixth. Get rid of those ridiculous color coded “chore” clocks for your kids. One, the little brats already hate you, and now you have given them a reason to hate you even more. I suggest good old fashion manipulation for getting kids to learn and do things around the house during the apocalypse. You should lock up all food and change the WiFi password often. Your kid wants a snack? Read Wuthering Heights. Oh, you want to check your Instagram? Throw a little long division in their face. Tummy growling? That underground safety bunker ain’t getting dug by itself Tommy, here’s a shovel. You see what I am doing there? You put a clock on the wall and the little shits will just slow play their math lesson until the yellow “healthy snack” slot rolls around. We are raising warriors here folks, plus it keeps them on their toes.

Seventh. Clothing. If you live alone, I still feel it is important that you still maintain some sort of decorum  and put on at least clean underwear and sweats. Depending on your activity level, clothing may last you one day or six. If you are binge watching a television show, then I may suggest every show should get a new outfit, unless it’s a show over 10 seasons long like Friends or Law and Order, then you have to go to the every five season change of clothes rule. Why the rule? Because we are not animals, and while we may be stuck inside for an undisclosed amount of time, we need to keep our dignity. What kind of world will we have if when we emerge from our quarantine, we have set the fashion standard back to grunge?

Eighth. Dating. Women, this one is completing up to you. We will call this time of our life “Love in the time of Corona”. Okay gals, you single ladies tired of the whole men suck, they don’t communicate things? Here ya go. Men now have to learn to communicate. There is no more “hey you want to grab a drink” moments here. Take this time to force that fella you are interested in to Facetime chat with you. He ain’t going nowhere, and he certainly isn’t able to flirt with Karen from the gym now. He is sitting at home wishing he had bought a more comfortable couch. He is vulnerable, which is just where you want him. Take this time to mold him and make him the talker you always wanted. 

Ninth. Food. All you poor souls that are on a Keto or Atkins, or what the hell you call meat only diets these days, you are screwed. You might as well face it, a bag of doritos can last a long time and the shelf life of powdered donuts is like 20 years. Unless your deep freezer is already filled with meat, or you have a year’s worth of protein bars piled up in the basement, just succumb to the wonderful world of carbs. It may take your body a day or two to adjust, but once you do, oh the joy of sugary foods will take over, and you may actually come out of this a better person. No more gym rage. Your new Buddha belly will bring peace and harmony to your life. Namaste.

Ten. Coffee….have we talked about how important this will be for the social well being? I mean, if you look out and your house is surrounded by zombies, I would first offer them coffee and see if that snaps them back. Because there really isn’t much difference between a person who is caffeine deprived and a zombie, and you certainly don’t want to accidentally decapitate your neighbor who was just coming over to ask for an extra Keurig pod.

These are just the start. I will send out more information as the time passes. Too much too soon will only lead to more confusion, and you don’t want to end up like the poor souls that have abandoned their homes and left all that precious toilet paper behind…or wait, how much toilet paper do you have? 

Happy Apocalypse, and may the odds be ever in your favor.