Your Kid Sucks

Your kid sucks. You know that right? I mean, not only sucks a little, but really sucks. I hope this isn’t a newsflash for you, I mean, I really don’t want to ruin your morning or anything like that, but they do. Yessir, that kid (or kids) of yours really can suck the soul out of you. You know how I know this, because my kid sucks too. They all suck. Every last one of them. And if you don’t think your kid sucks, then you suck as a parent, trying to raise your Stepford kid with their own Instagram page at 27months old. 

Your kid sucks, and you need to just accept it. I mean, it really is your fault a little bit, but let’s just face it, God made kids to suck. I really think after the great flood, the angels gathered around God and said something along the lines of “Hey, yea, we probably can’t destroy the world like that every time man doesn’t obey, so here is a great idea. Let’s just make kids mean as shit, and not listen, and are just the worst little devils in the world”. And I think God nodded and liked what the angels told him and said, LET THIS BE!. I really do think before that moment, kids were great and wonderful, well, except for that little thing about Cain and Abel and killing and stones, but you get my point. But God gave us kids to punish us for not listening, and I for one would rather have another flood if it meant my precious little devil wouldn’t roll his eyes every time I asked him not to pee on the other kids at school during recess.

Don’t you hate when people post nothing but great things about their kids on social media? Really? Don’t bring that shit in here, we all know the truth. You see things about how blessed they are and how Billy has already been accepted into Harvard at seven, and was awarded the “Best Helper” award at school for the sixth month in a row. Blah, don’t be spreadin’ your lies! Don’t think for one minute I haven’t been to your house and seen your extensive wine and booze collection. I know you drink and I know the reason you drink…Kids.  I was at Jack’s T-ball practice yesterday at some dude’s house. All the dads are gathered around the backyard watching the boys, not because we are proud of our little stinkers. Hell no. We are just there to make sure little Braquxitn doesn’t drop a deuce in the guy’s flower bed or Kephin don’t try and beat the shit out of the other crazy kid that’s chasing a squirrel. All the while, the mom’s are on the back porch drinking wine out of their Yetis, acting like we don’t know what’s going on, and I may or may not have seen some Molly being passed around….I ain’t judging, and probably wouldn’t blame them if they did.

And that’s another thing, kid’s ruin women’s bodies. Any woman will tell you this. I won’t get into the specifics of how that happens, but let’s just remind everyone that babies don’t come from storks, and big heads have to come out through little holes. I read a study once that asked 1000 men at the gym, if they could have babies would they, knowing their body would never be the way it is now? Guess what they found out? 95% of men wouldn’t do it. Nope. We men suck, the world would end as we know it because the population would cease to exist after 2 generations, because men are assholes and women already know this. Women, God bless you all, you have shouldered the burden of having kids for us and we are grateful.

Kids are the worst y’all. Oh, your kid is awesome and listens and is perfect? Brother, let me tell you, I bet your damn kid hasn’t washed his hands after dropping some buddies off at the pool in like 3 months. And if he did, he turned the water on, let you hear it for 30 seconds, put his finger under it just enough to pass the “let me feel your hands test” and laughed at you. You worried about the Coronavirus, blame kids. I don’t even ask my kid to wash his hands anymore. He has a good hard build up of dirt and dead animals under his fingernails. You know who will survive that coronavirus? Kids, the world will be ran by the little shits because their immune system is so stacked, it will be Lord of the Flies part two all up in here. And you know who won’t be here, the LuLuLemon soccermon that hand santitizes her and her own kid everytime they touch a leaf on the playground. They ain’t got no immunity to nothing.

Oh kids, just think how much richer we all would be without them. Go look at that 529 college savings account you have saved for Junior, and don’t think a new car wouldn’t come in handy right now, especially one that doesn’t have milk stains everywhere and Lord knows what stuffed between the seats. My truck has the constant stench of rotting food, and I can’t for the life of get rid of that small hint of kid fart that makes an appearance from time to time.

Kids suck, your kid and my kid. That’s why we get along so well. If I see a parent struggling on the playground, I just give them the good ole strong fisted thumbs up, you got that this sign. Of course they give me a tearful nod and go back to talking to their therapist on the phone, but we have all been there sister. Dilly Dilly.

Kids are the worst. They steal your blankets, they steal your soul, but they also steal  your heart. They make happy happier and sad sadder. They drive you completely mad, and then make you eat a make believe cake made out of dirt and love, and you savor every bite. Kids suck the love right out of you, especially when you kept it hidden deep and far away. Kids will find it and pull it to the surface. They will remind you to just let things go and to play again for ourselves. They will make your heart swell with pride the first time they take a step, and you will never sleep well again wondering if you will be around to catch them when they fall. 

Kids suck, yours and mine. And I am all the more happy that they do.